Ohh Friend !!! I miss you so much...

It was the time when teacher made me to sit with someone else because I was late,
Made me so restless that I got relief only after she asked me to go back n sit with you again.
You also felt the same pain and cried with me,
But what happened now that you don't even bother to ask where I am?

It was the time when I never allowed anyone else to come near you,
They called me arrogant and I never cared.
All I wanted was to be with you, forgetting the rest of the world in those meaningless talks,
But what has happened now that you can't even understand my meaningful words?

It was the time when we shared everything with each other,
Lunch and pencils, secrets and tears.
Talking endlessly over phone even after spending a whole day in classroom,
But what has happened now that we always fall short of words when we talk?

It was the time when none of us bothered who called whom last time,
All we cared for was that we love each other.
We knew that and none of us asked for a proof,
But what has happened now that uncertainty has overpowered our bond?

It was the time when no one dared to fight with you,
We were the conquerors of the world.
We ruled , we enjoyed every moment,
But what has happened now that you became judgmental when someone said something against me?

It was the time when you said that we would never be apart,
And I was always silent.
You always ensured me that nothing can go wrong ever,
But what has happened now that nothing is working to make things better between us?

Whose fault it was? It is just we care for now.
Ohh, I miss those days when such devilish thoughts never dared to enter our minds.
Why should I make the first move? Never was an issue between us.
Ohh, I miss that day when you asked me to come and sit near you and I was overjoyed.

Ohh friend I miss you so much,
But what I miss even more is myself.
Yes, I miss myself when I never even cared to think that I was happy or not,
Unlike now, when I have to look for a reason to smile.

Was that all ???

With not much hopes, I entered the auditorium. Tried my level best to make myself comfortable in the crowd of all ladies, oops girls at that time! :-| Yeah, it was "The Orientation Day" !!! I still can not understand why they call it by that name :-\ . Hell!!! How will I spend 4 years here??? But there was no escape to that. Could not even complain to anyone, after all they all must be thinking the same. Anyways, I expected them to serve us good snacks that day, least that I could expect but I was disappointed again. :-(

Ohk, finally our Chairman's lecture got over which I thought no one bothered to listen but yeah I clapped for sure. But I was wrong. It was not over yet. :-\ Everyone sitting near by stared me as if they were taking notes of his lecture and I disturbed them. Then proudly he started describing the college's infrastructure, and again all I wanted was a chilled Fanta. Things worsened when we were taken to show the college's library , workshop etc etc. After spending such a beautiful time in Hindu's library :-P , visiting this college's library was like an insult to what I had the impression of a library earlier. No reserved section??? :-o I thought all colleges have it.

Anyways, I had to move on. Then we were taken to a seminar hall , which was nothing but a classroom having a projector , a screen and space enough to accommodate 60*3 girls (at least it seemed so at the first look). Then started the speech of our Principal. She introduced all teachers after enough appreciation of ex-students and faculty. Only hope at that time was to have at least some descent and tolerable lecturers unlike Hindu :-P . And I was not disappointed this time ;-). I never fell for any teacher , not this time too but we poor girls wanted to discuss something, so let it be this way only :-\ .

Now I was upgraded from a mechanical student to a Computer Science student. Felt very proud at that time, can't feel the same presently though. Anyways, so I was quite happy. :-) Used to crack wackiest jokes all the time. Hello??? Surprisingly I started enjoying here. :-D Never thought that being in a girls' college can be this much fun also. Felt like the princess of my own world. So very fun loving friends , not those gossip type behenjis. Well everything was just perfect at that time. Then with time, our group reached the count of 16 members but by that time , I was no more an entertainer. Somehow missed my close friends in that huge group. And I started losing interest in college also. Attendance was not a big deal until and unless you want 5/5 in the internal assessment and I really never bothered about them, so I found my home more peaceful and educating :-P than any other place. My absence from classes was interpreted as the result of my even more important studies that I was doing at home. Well, I have been misinterpreted most of the times , so no worries about that. 8-)

Besides all this, we went on a trip to South India. It was a memorable trip, for various reasons of course :-P. Wonder la was great. :-D Hmm... let s not get into other not much pleasant incidents ( look, I am not saying the unpleasant ones :-P ) .

All my friends outside college used to feel pity for me for studying in a girls' college and I always kept on reminding them that there are a number of guys of other courses in our campus but seriously, I never bothered to have a look around. Reason??? I was just concerned about my task of that day in college and return back home as soon as possible always. I had visited and enjoyed so many fests by that time that I didn't have any more patience left to tolerate my own college's fest until and unless I was coordinating some event. :-| Obviously, I was not at all interested in the fash p s where people wore all such unwearable clothes , intolerable attitude and oily bodies... yukk!!! And dancing in the sun on stupid tracks was not my type of fun :-P. But yeah, I loved it when we rocked the floor one winter evening during Mecca, sweating like hell and still, there was no stopping to us. :-D Also, in both the freshers' parties etc etc... :-D

So, if you forgot that, then it s your fault, not that I never enjoyed or I don't know what enjoyment is!!! Our definitions of enjoyment may also differ!!!

Now Farewell party is also over and I wont say much about it except that we got some very good pics that day and had a samosa, sandwich and laddu with a glass of Fanta. It s not that that I wont miss my college but somehow, I am feeling that it is not over yet. I ll be going to attend one or two classes in the next semester as well like I did in the last semester :-P.
When and what is going to happen that ll really make me realize that it has "actually got over"?
Not even the constant taunts of everyone about "what am I doing now" working at all!!! :-|
Can someone get me a good job??? :-P
That can help for sure. :-|

Is It Really that Difficult ?

You fool , you are down again? injured yourself? Happy now?

What a nice way to ask , isn't it? Just leave. I don't want you to be here. (sigh)
What's new in that?
Still!!!
What still? Don't make excuses now. x-(
(silence) ...
Hello? Now speak something! I know you can still talk.
The way you are talking is making things even more frustrating for me. And then you are asking me to respond. How can you even expect me to say anything? Don't you know everything ?
Yes, I know.
Then , why do you always have to ask n make everything worse n duller. Stop it now. and Leave me alone.
That you are already, isn't it? How much more loneliness you want to hold inside?
(silence) ...
If I also leave you right now , then who s gonna take care of you my sweetheart? ;-)
You call this caring? concern? But lemme tell you one thing I really don't need your advices or your shoulder to cry upon!!!
Who is giving away any? Am I? No. I am just asking you something.
What is there that is hidden from you? You know everything. I have lost faith. I don't want anything , anyone... All I want right now is a place where I can leave everything aside and go in a deep long sleep and there 'd no one , no reason left that could wake me up ever. End up everything in one go.
And I know , now you want to call me a coward , useless soul n all that crap again. Well call me anything, it hardly matters to me. I have become quite numb.
If you had become numb, You'd have never felt this way... :-)
(no answer) ...
OK, tell me one thing. Is it happening for the first time that you are feeling like dying or hibernating or whatever you call it ?
No.
Then what's new this time? That s what I want to ask. You felt like this before too but came out of it later, isn't it?
Never like this.But yeah somehow similar, and it s just because that I am attached with few strings that do not allow me to leave everything behind and follow what i want. But it took hell lot of time to me to realize that.
Look around , you ll find many more crying souls like you. You are no special!
I know, and stop lecturing.
Let me complete what I am saying. So, I was saying that everyone around has some or the other problem in this world , how you are different?
So???
So, if you also behave like that then you 'd be lost in the crowd of morons n crying souls who are good for nothing. You think your wound is deepest , you feel that your pain is something that no one else can understand. But who actually wants to know that? No one!!!
But I can not be a joker all the time. Someone who is full of enthu n energy whenever you look towards at. Even I have the right to feel what I like, what I love...
You have that right, fine! But you have no right to desire for something that is not your's!!! Why should you fear for losing something that was never there with you ? Many more people you ll meet n places you ll visit in your life, but you can not stop at just one place thinking that this is your destination.
Then?
Then , nothing. Do what you are good at.
What am I good at?
Dreaming ...
Dream for what? and btw on one hand you ask me not to keep any desires n on the other, you are suggesting me to forget everything and dream. You know something, you are even more confused than me!
Hmm... i guess you are right. But one thing that I know for sure is that if there is anything that you dream for is destined for you , then it ll be your's !!! It s a fact.
Blah blah blah...
Shut up!
I won't. If you can say whatever you want then why can't I?
Because I am your senior.
Senior? hello , we came in this world together!!!
No, you idiot. Whose level is higher? In fact at the top? Mine !!!
Then why do you come down every now and then to show your "concerns" for me?


Because no one else loves you, in fact no one else can ever love you more than i do... ;-)

When your existence seems meaningless...

It is only you and the darkness within you,

the darkness inside that covers everything outside too.

You feel like going into a long sleep,

where no one is there to disturb your peace.

No one is there to ask you what you are up to,

what is the purpose of you being there.

What you have gained and what you lost,

and if you lost then the reason for that.

Everything is calm,

nothing to worry for.

But you just wish if it was possible,

in reality it is not.

Are you a coward???

You are searching for the purpose,

but don't you know that already?

Yes,I know!

But I am tired.

I just don't wanna carry this burden on my shoulders anymore,

when there is no meaning of doing what I am suposed to do.

The burden of some goals & many expectations,

some guilts & many uncertainities.

Tired??? of what???

You have not done anything yet!!!

Who are you?

What are you?

Nothing, I know.

Sitting in the darkness, alone,

no where to go.

There is just emptiness , 

& the hollowness inside.

No reason to fight,

no drive that could bring some pace to life.

No words that could break this silence,

no smile that could make everything bright.

Just a duty that has to be done,

and to be done with a smile.

The silence will prevail,

and there can be no escape to that.

Sometimes you ll  love the peace and feel blessed,

and sometimes it ll howl so loud that you would wish you were dead.

But there is certainly no escape from the thing called, Life!!!

Pretenders : or just the Actors...

Hey Friends...

Welcome back... :-)
Today in this lazy warm winter afternoon , I am here to write something again... :-| Ohk... I am "trying to" write something again ;-) and please forgive me in case you feel like getting bored or fu***d up after reading this :-P because I am myself back after giving two exams on consecutive days... x-( . From last 3 n half years , I have been giving the same reasons to most of my friends for not being in touch , "Sorry yar , exams the... " , "Heyy , belated Happy Birthday... next time pakka yaad rakhungi... promise.... " , "minors this time" , "majors that time"... and blah blah blah.... What else can be expected from an engineering student who has to face two minors , minor practicals , major practicals and major end sems every 5 months??? On an average , six exams every month!!! :-/
But with time everything comes to an end. And by everything I don't just mean the exams and college life but some friendships and many illusions , some moments and many experiences ... We all create a dreamworld for ourselves and start living in it with everything and every person of our wish... that we think is perfect for us. And then those wishes with in no time take the form of our needs giving rise to expectations and hopes. To fulfill those expectations a person starts doing all sort of things that he himself is unaware of. Like in an urge to become famous in a group or community , people try to impress others , some by showing off their expensive possessions , others do the same through their sweet and kind words , no matter they actually mean what they say or not. But then what do they actually want from others by doing all that crap?
Attention? Respect? Love?
Or something else?
Well , most of the times it is just because that they need to prove their superiority over others!!! And when this feeling starts giving them immense pleasure it becomes their only need and they get addicted to that.
But if it s only attention that you need from others , then how can you call them your friends??? They should be called your followers instead!!!
"This world is a stage and we are all actors" : something like that by William Shakespeare. ;-) (sorry but it is really very hard for me to remember the exact words always... ;-) ) Anyways , so everyone is just an actor who is supposed to play his role on this stage called world , according to Mr. Shakespeare. But what about those actors who start pretending to be like someone else, some other actor?
Kind and sweet words always win hearts, but what if when you know the ugly truth behind those beautiful and polite words??? Can you still respond in the same way you used to before knowing that??? Hmm... too difficult , in fact impossible for me for most of the times. It is better to be called arrogant and rude rather than joining the company of those who wear different masks in front of different people. Sometimes I wonder how do people change not only the meaning of their words but themselves completely just to show others that they are moving ahead of time and no one can beat them. But is it really worth changing yourself completely , looking and behaving like someone else who you think is a perfect example of modern and ideal world ??? Some people when asked put all the blame on "the situations" they had to face , the unwanted "adjustments" they had to make to remain in pace with the world. Well , for me it is just the lack of will power and willingness that make you and your principles to mutate everytime !!! Individuality and originality are the two things that are always appreciated and that last forever... So , always do what your heart says but don't ever neglect your very own faithful and beautiful mind too... ;-) ... just a thought , not an advice :-) .

Mistakes... What I learnt from them...

You must be wondering "what an idiot , didn't she have any better idea to start her very first blog ???"(though this is my third , but posting for the first time ;-) ) .

Well friends... this is me... Shalini , and I welcome you here . I used to write a lot in childhood days (3-4 years back ;-) ) and tear those pages after sometime :-p (you must have understood now why i wrote "childhood" ;-) ) . But now after such a long time , finally "trying to " write something which i am not sure ll have some meaning but does everything that we read has got meaning??? Yeah... it does... but don't expect much from here ;-) .
Anyways , enough introduction. Now coming back to the topic."Mistakes...".
So , what do we learn from our mistakes? Well,very simple answer... not to repeat them in future. But in my case I think what I have learnt is to make even bigger mistakes . :-| yes , and this thought is bugging me the most these days. Am I really that stupid or just fooling myself ? about what... that even i have to find out. May be it is just the tension about my future (it is the final sem :-( ) or is it something else? I really don't have any idea. :-|

From the very first standard in school , I was always made the class monitor. Reason : quite obvious . :-/ But at that time I used to enjoy the power , then after passing out from primary , I came to know that my classmates had given me the title "Hitler" . But I never deviated from the path that I was following unknowingly . And as a result I was awarded with even better titles : bandit queen , jhansi ki rani , policewali . Then after school , I wanted no one from my school or anyone i knew earlier to be in the same college as that of mine so that I could create a better image this time ;-) and my destiny took me to Hindu College , DU's one of the most renowned college. The first couple of months there were just superb but later I realized that that was not the right place for me , so came to IGIT !!! And what makes it so special? It is a girls' college. :-| . One thing that I always had in my mind was , that whatever happens , I ll never go to any girls' college. Reason : quite obvious ;-) , naah... it s just because though the probability of fighting with guys is more than that with gals but probability of talking again after fight is also more in the former case :-D . Ohh yeah... I am a Capricorn... born warrior n rebel :-D . So here comes to an end the story of the first mistake ;-) . But one thing that I am damn sure is that , I ll be missing my IGIT a lot after sometime :-( .
Gauche , I have grown too old. x-( !!! Final sem... :-( But still the best compliment that i get when I go to some family gathering or any function is " Ohh Shalu beta , you are looking verrrry sweet!!! " (as if i am wearing a baby outfit with two ponies on my head and a balloon in my hand !!! x-( ). WTF!!! Someone tell them that I am about to pass out from college!!! Even good will do but sweet... eww... :-/ Now , what is my mistake here, even I don't know. All I know is that according to those aunties and uncles I become even younger with age... That means I ll vanish in air very soon... :-o
The choices that we make in every phase of our life shape our future accordingly. Some choices make you feel proud while some others force you to call them "experiences" if in case you just want to fool yourself by denying the fact that you really regret making them. And the credit of naming them as experiences goes to our very own "EGO" . In a way, it is right also otherwise no one can ever stay happy because every person , at some stage takes some or the other wrong decision. When the choices were wrong because they were bad , you can still call them mistakes but what will you do when you know that this time your choice is the best, but still it is wrong ??? What will you call it??? Well , I call it "THE BIGGEST MISTAKE" .